Help. Am I a Terrible Person?

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Pinkiegurf24
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Help. Am I a Terrible Person?

Post by Pinkiegurf24 »

Me and my mom have not been getting along lately, mostly because of her lack of motivation caused by her depression which has left her bedridden and unmotivated for years. She has told me in the past that she doesn't care about herself or to a certain extent us, and refuses to get a job to help support herself. She instead lets herself and the house just deteriorate. There has been a lot of resentment on my end because of this, and the fact that she allowing her potential to just wash away and uses a bunch of excuses for why she cant do things, yet doesn't want to get help for her problems (I have made many appointments for her to see a therapist, and she has gone to one but didn't want to go anymore so she never went back). For awhile a lot of our fights have been about money. I am 18 and I work part time and go to college and she thinks that I am being selfish because I don't like having to spend my money on her addictions (she smokes 2 packs of ciggarrets a day and drinks at least two 2 liters of soda a day) after she blows her money. She says I am irresponsible, and has now started charging me $50 a week to stay here yesterday because of my behavior (yet she won't compromise on conditions, like not smoking in the house since I am paying rent). I also take my siblings to school, get them ready, run errands when she doesn't want to, clean the house, and other things when she doesn't feel like doing them. She does let me use her car (and constantly uses it to guilt trip me) but I also contribute to the repairs (I used over half of my financial aid check to get new tires) plus I keep gas in the car.
Recently, a lot of our fights have been over my relationship, her thinking that I think that I am better than everyone else because I have a boyfriend, and for spending time with him (when before I would just go to work, school, home and repeat). She didn't like the fact that I was in her words 'changing'.
It tears me to say this, but I have lost a lot of respect for my mother because of how she has let herself go and how she is going by coping with her problems (smoking excessively, talking to random guys on the internet, ect) and completely neglecting her responsibilities. I know that I need to move out, and I am taking steps towards doing that. What I want to know is whether or not I am being 'ungrateful' or 'selfish' or a narcissist like she constantly calls me, and I want to get the opinions of unbiased people.

Thank You!

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Re: Help. Am I a Terrible Person?

Post by chriskeller »

I don't know the whole situation and I'm only speculating, but it sounds like she's emotionally abusive. She wants to belittle you and make you feel like you're not worth anything so you stay there forever and takeover her responsibilities. You sound very education and ambitious. You're willing to take care of everything because she won't. Not a terrible person at all.

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Caseynfinnegan
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Re: Help. Am I a Terrible Person?

Post by Caseynfinnegan »

Oh dear.
Yes. Moving out would be healthy for you and her also. It's sounding like she's codependent on you and parentifYing you. Like you are her parent.
In the meantime I'd detach from her as much as you can ...just keep busy with your routine and don't engage in her guilt conversations.
You aren't selfish or ungrateful
The dynamic is very unhealthy. If you rely on her car for school and work it makes things much harder. The best outcome would for you to be completely independent in every way and live alone.
She needs professional help

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Re: Help. Am I a Terrible Person?

Post by princezuko »

No, you're not. I think you need literal space to think and gain clarity. I don't know your guys' history or relationship so I can only assume but I do think she sounds emotionally abusive. There are different levels of abuse and it can often leave a person wondering if they are what the person's making them out to be. You should definitely move out as soon as possible and live for you. Like the person above said, she sounds co-dependent and it's not even all that mutually beneficial either. Just because she allows you to live there or use the car, you can't dismiss her behavior. When the cons outweigh the pros you should get out of there imo.

I understand your mother is depressed and it can be debilitating or all-consuming for some people but when it's harming others and negatively affecting the people around them, then it's not okay. I might be in the wrong here but I believe when you have kids, your job is to care for them despite your ailments or own problems and even if you're terribly depressed and not taking care of yourself, you should be caring for your children. You're 18 so technically you're a legal adult and not a child now but either way, you are living in close quarters and people need to consider the people who are living with them. She's making her problems yours and you'd do well to separate yourself from this situation. Btw, your last line, about her saying you're ungrateful or a narcissist, is a classic narcissist thing to say. They're famous for projecting and belittling and if it goes on long enough, the person on the receiving end starts to believe it. Not diagnosing her a narcissist, just putting that info out there. I'm not sure what you can do since you rely on some of her resources, but try to make it so you do have plans to move out when possible. :tu:

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Re: Help. Am I a Terrible Person?

Post by RoseHammer »

I know how your situation is because my own mother was emotionally abusive towards me, and that's exactly what it looks like here. You are NOT ungrateful, selfish, or narcissistic. She's only telling you that to make you feel guilty so that there won't be as much responsibility and fault on her end. You're doing nothing wrong by wanting to live your life like everyone else. I know that a lot of people stick around until the bitter end for their family and claim that they'll do anything for family, but it can just lead to your family dragging you down with them. It's always assumed that they have your best interests in mind, but in reality, it can be just the opposite.

It's not uncommon for the most toxic people in our lives to be our immediate family, including our own mothers. It's wonderful that you're moving out and actively seeking to move on with your life, which is healthy and normal.

Pinkiegurf24
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Re: Help. Am I a Terrible Person?

Post by Pinkiegurf24 »

Sorry that I haven't responded in a while, college has been a b*tch lately.
But thank you guys for making me feel sane again, because I was constantly rethinking myself and believing that I was the one with the problem.
Every time I try to rationalize with my mom, or try to gert her to see her fault, she always blows something in my face, like a defense mechanism. She thinks it because I'm just a 'bitch' or 'anal' but it's like she cannot see WHY I would have an issue with the way she is living and the way she keep the house. She doesn't work, minimally cleans, doesn't cook, doesn't properly tend to my siblings, yet somehow always puts the blame on external figures, like me, my dad (who was a narcissist, and I am not excusing his sh*tty behavior but I has been years -9 years to be exact- since they have been separated so thats not an excuse), her back, ect ect ect when people like myself have to go out and work for what they have. Then she gets mad when I, after busting my ass all day at work, wants to treat myself to a new shirt or whatever.
I am for sure moving out, especially now that she is charging me $200 in rent because she feels like I am 'irresponsible' (oh the irony). For $140 more I can have the space to take care of myself and get myself to the point where I can help my family (or at least my brother and sister). Right now, emotionally I am all over the place and I know that if I dont move out I won't have a relationship with my mom at all.

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