Is it bad for my to feel this way (family related)?

Post by **Pinkiegurf24** » Sun Jun 22, 2014 11:35 am

Well my mom was in an abusive relationship for over a decade with my father. She separated from him and has been divorced from his for several years. She now realizes that he has problems (extremely controlling, emotionally abusive, etc), but being with him for all those years have led her now to have literally no self worth. She doesn't work, doesn't want to finish her education, and uses my brothers disability to get out of even trying to do things. We basically live on child support, which obviously isn't going to last forever. I keep on telling her this, and I even found an awesome program (that is free mind you) that helps women who were in abusive relationships find work and help themselves, but she basically refuses to go, and makes excuses left and right for why she doesn't want to go. I tell her that she can't live off of small paycheck for the rest of her life, and she says that she knowns this, but she still doesn't want to do anything, those conversations usually ending in an argument. It irritates the hell out of me because she is alway complaining about not having this, or that, when it is so easy to just get up do for yourself. I am almost 18, and want to go out in the world and do for myself, but I feel like I should be responsible for caring for my family. I hope I don't sound selfish or anything, I just want the best for my mom. She has so much potential, and it is as if she is afraid of showing it fully. COuld any of you give me some advice on how to push my mom to start becoming independent?

Post by **Felinae** » Wed Jul 02, 2014 7:58 am

Remind her that you are almost 18, and that you plan to branch out not long after that. Tell her that you are worried about leaving her when she doesn't have a good grip on the home & finances. I guess if all of your previous approaches to the subject have not gone over well, try to think of a way to approach it from a totally different angle. Maybe ask her to go with YOU because YOU feel like it has affected your life. That way she feels like she is just supporting you, and hopefully she can take some of the things said at the meetings to heart.

Worse comes to worse, just plan as best you can for when you leave, and give her fair warning. She needs to understand that *she* is the mom, and the head of the household now.

Post by **Pinkiegurf24** » Sat Jul 12, 2014 12:20 am

Felinae wrote:Remind her that you are almost 18, and that you plan to branch out not long after that. Tell her that you are worried about leaving her when she doesn't have a good grip on the home & finances. I guess if all of your previous approaches to the subject have not gone over well, try to think of a way to approach it from a totally different angle. Maybe ask her to go with YOU because YOU feel like it has affected your life. That way she feels like she is just supporting you, and hopefully she can take some of the things said at the meetings to heart.

Worse comes to worse, just plan as best you can for when you leave, and give her fair warning. She needs to understand that *she* is the mom, and the head of the household now.

Thanks for the reply! For awhile there I was wondering if I was ever going to get the answer. The problem is is that she know what she needs to do, and what she doesn't need to do; she even makes remarks about how she needs to get on the ball with this or that, but the problem is is that she just doesn't do it! I believe a big factor in this is depression, caused by the years spent with my 'father' (I use that term pretty lightly), but I am at the end of my rope here......

Post by **BitchBarbie** » Sat Aug 16, 2014 11:54 pm

Pinkiegurf24 wrote:Well my mom was in an abusive relationship for over a decade with my father. She separated from him and has been divorced from his for several years. She now realizes that he has problems (extremely controlling, emotionally abusive, etc), but being with him for all those years have led her now to have literally no self worth. She doesn't work, doesn't want to finish her education, and uses my brothers disability to get out of even trying to do things. We basically live on child support, which obviously isn't going to last forever. I keep on telling her this, and I even found an awesome program (that is free mind you) that helps women who were in abusive relationships find work and help themselves, but she basically refuses to go, and makes excuses left and right for why she doesn't want to go. I tell her that she can't live off of small paycheck for the rest of her life, and she says that she knowns this, but she still doesn't want to do anything, those conversations usually ending in an argument. It irritates the hell out of me because she is alway complaining about not having this, or that, when it is so easy to just get up do for yourself. I am almost 18, and want to go out in the world and do for myself, but I feel like I should be responsible for caring for my family. I hope I don't sound selfish or anything, I just want the best for my mom. She has so much potential, and it is as if she is afraid of showing it fully. Could any of you give me some advice on how to push my mom to start becoming independent?

Your mom is very scarred with emotional pain. Once you two do something together to prove she can get out and feel good she'll be out more and venture out and work. She is in so much pain that she isn't hearing any logic. She needs to know she has worth.It's so important to let her know she is needed and is useful right now. Let her know that today is the very fresh new start she needs to feel new. A Fresh New Beginning

Post by **Mignonette** » Sun Aug 17, 2014 5:40 pm

I'm going to be really frank here, and while it's not 100% true, the older people are, the harder it is to change their lives around. And with family members, you sometimes do have to cut contact with them. Toxic people are toxic people, whether you're made out of their DNA or not.

You've done your part, letting your mother know your concerns. You're a young person and it should not be your obligation to care for your parent because she's too lazy to better herself.

What is the situation with your brother though? I'd be more worried about him than your mother.

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